Currently Listening Donnie Darko - Original Soundtrack & Score By Original Soundtrack head over heels see related

i dont write in here all that much any more. i guess theres just nothing to write about. my life is obscenely boring. although, michigan state is practically throwing money at me. thats pretty exciting i guess. i wonder what mr g and mrs gallaher said to them....this would be much more exciting if i was actually going to go there, though. i wish i could play the piano like my brother does. hes such a genius. hes in an ensemble that is at the graduate level. hes a sophomore in college (an undergrad).

my mom had me go to spiritual direction the other day. one of the first things that the woman asked me was "are you happy?" i really wasnt sure how to respond; it was such an unexpected question. i thought, "is it really that obvious?" i later asked my mom about it and she said that its written all over my face. it made me think about my life. i realized that im not happy, and i havent been happy for a very long time. i dont even remember what it feels like. i remember being in love, but thats not the same; its not happiness. she told me that the probable reason of my unhappiness is that i havent found the pure, unadultered love of god. ive been told this beautiful and poetic image of god loving us unconditionally all my life, but ive never found it. she told me that ive been looking for love everywhere and that all  i want is to be accepted as who i am. isnt that true for all humans though? humans are social creatures and nearly all cannot live without the contact and love from other people. she said that the happiest, most beloved people on earth are not truly happy because they havent found the love of god. why is god's love so hard to find though? shouldnt the love of someone who's crazy about you be painfully obvious? maybe its because hes an omnipotent and "all-powerful," god-like presence. its hard to love something you cant physically see and feel. i guess this is where faith comes in. at this point, i said well i guess i dont have faith. but she just said that when youre baptised, you get the grace of faith and ive just let mine wither. faith can be strengthened. im afraid to do all of this though. i dont want to be some bible-thumping, holy-roller, you know? theres such a fine line. i wish there was a way to love god and know he loves you and not become a nun or some extremist. then theres another question. what about the people who arent catholic and who dont have faith but are so happy because they have people who love them and are able to love people back. have they found the love of god in some other fashion? and why arent more people depressed like me? i know tons of people who are the happiest people ever and they scoff at christians. i dont know. these are really difficult questions. is this spiritual journey something we have to take on our own? or can we look to other people for help and guidance? i dont think i can do this on my own. not now anyway.

so does that mean i have to just deal with my unhappiness? i wish it would just go away. maybe thats why i dont have many friends: because im so unhappy that its painful to be around me. perhaps im just lonely, and perhaps thats why ive gotten so involved in my mind lately. but what if some accident occurs and my mind is destroyed? the only happiness im getting right now is from my mind and learning new things, and my small number of friends. these things are so ephemeral with respect to life and the soul. there must be something more. i just have to find it.

Currently Listening Vheissu By Thrice music box see related

someone egged my god damn car. if i ever find out who did this heinous act of vandalism, they will die a slow and painful death at my hands, and perhaps a blunt object. i dont understand why people would do something like this. this is something that a five year old would do. these people must have been stunted in their morality level when they were in grade school. honestly, what is the point? "hey! i know! let's go destroy someones property for shits and giggles!" ignorant bastards. theyll porbably grow up to be the fat, white trash people who drink and smoke a pack a day in front of their small TV watching "Wheel of Fortune." in a trailor. wearing a wife beater and sweat pants. wasting away their precious life because of their hidious amount of sloth. that makes me sick.

ok, im done with my tyrade. on a lighter note, i have a B+ in AP Calculus. wunderbar. procede with your lives.

so i carved a pumpkin today...

by the way, did you know that there are different levels of infinity? its true. some things are more infinite than others. it boggles my mind!